Raising Children – Releasing Teenagers
By Pastor Lisa Great
I was at the gym the other day and a lady introduced herself to me and said she has 2 teenagers, one boy and one girl. I smiled and said, oh I love teenagers, they are my favourite people. She said really, I said yes, she said what do you do for a living, I said I am a youth pastor and have been one for 19 years. She then began to share some of her struggles with that she is having with her kids and I just smiled. You see most parents are trying to raise teenagers, but as this woman said they are wanting their freedom and she is not ready to give it to them, so they are having conflicts in the home. I again just smiled. As parents we need to raise our children and release our teenagers. Let me explain.
Living in Malaysia I see parents that give their children so much freedom, that they become reckless in the shopping mall, they are screaming in the grocery store and they are running all over the place, seemingly out of control. But then those same parents when they have teenagers want them to be controlled, not doing this, not doing that, and it really not the best way to approach releasing teenagers. So, what do I mean raising children and releasing teenagers.
The bible says in Proverbs 22:6 “train a child up in the way he should go and he will never depart from it.”
When I say we need to raise children, I mean just that, we need to raise them in the ways of the Lord, we need to instill in them the principles of faith, love, discipline, self-control, patience and all the other wonderful character qualities that you would like your child to display. As parents we need to do this when they are young. You see God gives them to us as a clean slate ready to be written on, and what we teach them is what they are going to do. I read a book called Parenting with Love and Logic, and it talked about raising children like an upside down funnel. We need to limit the choices we give children, they are not capable of making them well anyway, so we limit their choices, do you want white or chocolate milk, would you like to wear pants or shorts today, we limit what they decide, or some would say we are more controlling when they are young. Actually according to this book, Parenting with Love and Logic, this makes the child feel more secure, for they know mom and dad know what is best for them and therefore, do not leave room for them to get hurt at such a young age. But as they get older, just like a funnel, the bottom is very narrow and the top is much wider. As they grow we should widen their decision making base. Especially by the time they are teenagers, we should be giving them the liberty to make choices on almost all things and also allow them to reap the consequences of those choices. You see when they are teenagers, they are wanting to stretch what I call their autonomy wings, they are wanting more and more independence and that is okay to give them, but make sure they experience the consequences and responsibility that comes with that independence they are seeking.
Parenting is the hardest job on earth, for there is not one way to do it, there is no wand you can wave and your child will do everything right, but if we as parents can raise our children and learn to release our teenagers, I believe we will see more fruit in their lives and less frustration in ours. I tell people all the time, don’t ever forget what you were like as a teenager, for your child is feeling the same way, they want their freedom, so give it to them slowly, as they show they can handle it, give them more. They are coming closer and closer to being adults and they need to learn how to live as responsible adults, so release your teenagers to be and do what God created them to be and do. Don’t seek to control them like you did when they were 2 years old, don’t do this, don’t do that, but rather steer them in the way they should go, but do not make the decisions for them, they will respect you more if you give them some autonomy.
One final word, as parents we probably struggle more with releasing our teenagers, than they do in wanting to be released. It is important that we as parents remember that these children are gifts from God given to us for a season, so we have to “trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways acknowledge him and he will make straight our paths.”(Proverbs 3:5-6) Parents, trust the Lord and gently release your teenagers to become adults. I did not say let them go totally, but go from hands on control, like steering a car, to more of becoming the banks that a river flows between. I know from experience that your teens will appreciate it and you will fin that life in your home is more peaceful, for you are raising your children and releasing your teenagers.
May God bless you as you seek his wisdom for your teenager or child.
Romance and Relationships
If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults are not really important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and
strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
Q. What keeps a relationship strong?
Answer: Communication, intimacy (not sex), trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on their voice mail or send a nice email.
Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another.
Learn each others family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.
Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain will replace the passion.
"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight?
Always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary. The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the 'I'. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Let me know your thoughts on this!!!!